Chapter 9 - Marissa Told Me Why
Years later, Marissa and I finally had the conversation we'd avoided.
We were both in our fifties.
Lily was expecting her first child.
Marissa asked:
“Why did you say yes?”
“To what?”
“Adopting Lily.”
I thought about that email.
The photograph.
The frightened young woman.
The newborn.
“At first?”
“Yes.”
“Because I wanted to be a mother.”
Marissa nodded.
“And later?”
“Because I loved her.”
She cried.
“I almost kept her.”
“I know.”
“I feel guilty saying that.”
“Don't.”
She looked at me.
“You would've lost her.”
“Yes.”
“Does that make you angry?”
“No.”
That surprised her.
“She was your daughter before she was mine.”
Marissa cried harder.
Then asked:
“Did you ever hate me?”
“No.”
“Ethan?”
I laughed.
“Occasionally.”
She laughed too.
Then she became serious.
“Richard?”
“Sometimes.”
“Nathan?”
“No.”
“Yourself?”
That question landed differently.
“Yes.”
For years, I hated the woman I'd been in my marriage.
Quiet.
Desperate.
Always apologizing.
I thought strength would have meant fighting Ethan every time he hurt me.
Age taught me otherwise.
Sometimes survival looks quiet.
Sometimes you leave.
Sometimes you rebuild.
Sometimes you adopt a little girl and create a life nobody predicted.
“I don't hate her anymore,” I said.
“Who?”
“My younger self.”
Marissa smiled.
“Good.”
Lily entered carrying her enormous pregnant belly.
“Why are you two crying?”
“Hormones,” I said.
“They're my hormones!”
“Apparently contagious.”
She rolled her eyes.
Then both her mothers helped her sit.
Yes.
Both.
No competition.
May you like
No erasure.
No secret.
